His pickup line was "I'll eat you out"
He did it well too
My phone auto-corrects smirnoff to poisoned. I think it is trying to tell me something.
After I told my husband the docter shot me in the ass, he said - oh they can but I can't?!
A girl just asked me to co-sign for her boob job because she didn't have enough credit built up. This is a first.
He didn't speak any English, but I think I caught the word turtle in there somewhere.
Why would he say turtle mid-fuck?
the more i look through evidence of last night, the less i seem to remember.
thank god we only have to drink eggnog and rum once a year. It taste like shit.
So I fucked her. If you're keeping score at home, it's all tied up with horrible sex with someone I like and great sex with someone I hate both with 1.
That bitch makes my crazy look like a walk in the park with cotton candy
It might have taken me 30 minutes but I finally finished the toast I made. That hungover.
Correct me if I'm wrong, but did you let me pee in the grass while barking? And also, how many of you have videos?
You know you're hung-over when you're smoking and have the strong urge to eat the cigarette. No more buckets of gin. No. More. Ever.
Shut up. You had me at killer robots. Your place or mine?
Why do I know about what dicks have been in your mouth but didn't know you had a dog? What kind of friends are we??
You fell out of his top bunk onto his set of golf clubs. After seeing blood on your leg, you proceeded to sing "the first cut is the deepest" while sprawled on the golf clubs
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