that's like riding a pigeon when you could fuck a bald eagle
didn't know how to tell his mom I was confused about how long we'd been together because we banged for a full year before making it official
I'm calling into work with a wicked case of sledge hammer crotch. She has to understand
he stopped midthrust to put on his sex playlist and the first song was 'can you feel the love tonight'
where do you find these guys?
I've found a new low. I was climb-on-the-bar-piano drunk.
I just chugged whiskey at 7 AM because going to breakfasts at Brendas doesnt seem right if Im not real drunk. I feel like when Brenda takes my order she can tell Im drunk and will take care of me.
I burned myself with a joint twice in one sitting I have to say that's a new record for the least number of times I have hurt myself while smoking.
His fucking flight got canceled because the president stopped at the airport he was flying out of... Fuckin Obama literally just cock blocked me
I did stay at work til 5 but for the last hour I was just taking naked pics on my desk for some tinder guy
Come camping we have xanax and steaks
Free stuff before I even put his balls in my mouth like wow great start
I'm drunk listening and crying to Selena. How's your Monday?
What am I thankful for..I figured out I can drink on antibiotics without getting sick thanks to the power of pot gummies
I’ve chosen to watch a Mercedes station wagon drive around the Austrian in the rain because it’s live sports. If that doesn’t explain 2020, I don’t know what does.
I knew she was the one when we had sex to the halo soundtrack.
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