he said he wished he had more hands so he could firmly hold my boobs.
new revelation: five guys for breakfast
new revelation: previous revelation not a good revelation
Judging by the amount of alcohol multiplied by the amount of her exes here, tonight will be ending in tears.
I was officially considered the drunkest person in cuba when the bartender at the swim up bar made me wear a life jacket for 'safety purposes'
MEET ME OUTSIDE YOUR HOUSE IN THREE MINUTES. BE DRUNK. THIS IS NOT A DRILL.
Think I pulled my pelvic muscle.
I think I pulled my ashamed of myself muscle.
They sent me to the hospital. Apparently, of the many things I said, I looked at the doctor and told him, "Wow... it's like you're a REAL DOCTOR!"
If you don't sing me a lullaby then I'll just take shots till I pass out
I've been randomly kik messaging bearded men I find on Instagram while sitting unshowered in my underpants. I'm like the girl version of a creepy uncle.
We fucked through the entire Destiny's Child album, it was a beautiful thing.
To be clear, the next time I wake up with your dick inside me, I will reach down and grab one and squeeze until it pops like a grape. You've been warned.
Omg. I'm making you a chocolate and "herb" birthday cake and using joints for candles. I'm gunna need moms help with this!
Nah it's alright, I'll just ride cock all the way to hell
This girl in my class is lecturing my professor about zombies. It has been going on for 15 minutes.
Zombies?
Zombies.
Jesus fucking Mary Christ if I have to clean shit out of my fucking bathtub one more fucking time I'm gonna murder a fucking kitten
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