I heard you threw up in your lap?
I heard that too.
i just sent this text using only my big toe
he just booty called me in advance instead of waiting til 3 am when hes trashed. i think thats really considerate and gentlemanlike.
haha I love it when I find out that girls who were mean to me in middle school are now some random dude's baby mama. thanks, facebook.
I just had to google "How do I get semen stains off of drywall." I'm relatively proud of this
So currently I have a block of cheese duct taped to my air conditioner in lieu of a fridge.
oh my god. the driver of our party bus just said "no drugs unless you're sharin," my confidence in him is not high at the moment
Just stabbed myself in the face trying to lick melted cheese off a kitchen knife.
That freshman kid successfully snuck into a college party, got caught, proceeded to jump out of a second story window without getting a scratch then met up with us a block away and somehow managed to get a bottle of grey goose in the meantime. He is truly blessed by the alcohol gods
Well despite the fact that I'm still not entirely sure this isn't an elaborate/cunning plan to kill me, I'm in.
On Wednesday I'm putting wine in a water bottle and crashing Margaret thatchers funeral
I'm just gonna start letting dudes eat it. American idol for my vagina
She told me she ate a whole pizza today, and I just wanted to hug her forever.
You said if the geese can walk on the lake so can I.
OMG OMG OMG!!!! I made his penis bleed!! I repeat I MADE HIS PENIS BLEED!!!!
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