There was this creepy guy on the bus. So I puffed out my stomach & began so hold my stomach like I was preggers.
It has come to my attention that I should apologize for myself and my friends
he said my vag tasted like ravioli n pennies... i forgot I was on my period
Just convinced airport security that im sober. All i do is win.
when i got there he was on top of an air mattress in the middle of the pool with a bag of doritos and a 40 telling people he needed his space.
theres a kid in a leopard robe and sunglasses filling up a gas tank. i miss college
take 2 Ambien then drink a Red Bull and watch Alice in Wonderland. Trust me.
Hey hey, in my defense we were just suppose to watch Disney movies from a blanket fort with beer and nachos. I was I suppose to know it would end in tears?
We would be rich. And the whole world would be stoned.
I believe I can fly has to be one of the most inspirational songs of our time. Seriously R. Kelly nailed it
Then he went and peed on those teenagers.
Are you coming to class or was the dick pic this morning your way of saying not today?
Stocking up on Wasabi powder. Nobody's tampons are safe.
And then he said, "let's have sex and I'll send you home with enchiladas."
Why I hate online dating: not even one day in and a 57 year old asks me to call him "Daddy."
It's your last night of vacation right? Be the Oprah of dick. And you get a dick... and you get a dick, and you get a dick!!!
Randomize
