I'm watching tv and he's trying to stick a vibrator in my ass
And as you crawled into the bathroom last night you repeatedly said "I know the routine".
The worst part of it is that he's not the first man I've fucked with 2+ chihuahua's.
We need to stop celebrating holidays that dont belong to us
i just remember sitting on this bed, naked, STILL WITH A CONDOM ON, and suddenly these random girls were in the room shouting at me
normally i would apologize for my drunk texting but even sober me agrees.
I five year old is judging me because I just opened a bottle of Sam Adams with my teeth before 8am
I don't fucking care about the convenience of not having freudian slips. I spent 2009-2011 screwing around with 3 different Daniels. 2012 WILL be the dawn of a new day
How about a mike?
Already had two of those
Turns out, his fucking is as lame and staggered as his NFL career.
SKIIIIIIIIIIII, trip mo foes! Let-ith the epic- ness begin ith. Heroes go forth, nAy Sayers fuckin die. This is for the good of mankind! See you on the morrow
Apologies to the number who did not expect to get this but certainly be jealous of us.
I don't remember much, but I remember he called me the dick whisperer, so it must not have been all bad.
Hell no. Last time I used a Slip N Slide I ended up with bruised ribs, a broken fence and the hatred of a half naked girl with a sprained wrist.
Can I just buy you sex toys as a wedding gift? Bc I’m here for that and you
Being drunk at Chick-fil-A is a dystopian experience
Just checked out of walmart with a 30 pack of Budlight and a wiffle bat. Hello, Monday night.
Randomize
