Pls don't use the words alligator, purple, and sperm in the same sentence ever again.
I need a creepy friend to scare off the other creepy people
I would be honored to be that friend.
I think hes settled down now. He's just licking the walls and the windows.
Make sure you take the apple pie out of your pocket before you pass out.
Now one day I will be able to tell my children how a drag queen in a gay bar told mommy that bin laden was dead
Just used the leftover candycorn for candycorn vodka. Our house is trying to continue the Halloween spirit for as long as possible.
gave him road head on the way to his grandparents house. purposely didn't let him finish, the sexual tension over turkey was indescribable.
Is this girl REALLY making a smoothie in the bathroom right now?
Found the puke drawer
We need to step up our tailgating...they're here drinking out of a prosthetic leg
Also I'm eating leftovers with a pair of bullet removal forceps (unused) because I don't have a fork.
I am stoned at Disneyland with my little brother. It's gonna be a good day.
MAGGIE IS ON MY COUCH PETTING AN HONEST TO CHRIST ARMADILLO AND SOBBING INTO HOT CHOCHOLATE. WHAT THE FUCK DID YOU DO TO HER.
Did i fall last night when u carried me home.
idk
OHHH yea you fell down the stairs face first
My vagina! What have you done to it?
Blessed it my child.
Randomize
