did you hook up austin?
No! he threw up in my bathroom, made me wake up and order him jimmy johns, beat my roommate with a macaroni and cheese box, and then passed out with her in her bed
In retrospect, it was a terrible idea, going down on her with these ulcers in my mouth.
it's like heaven, but drunker
It went alright, nothing too special, just got threatened with a knife by our server.
Remember when I peed in the trash can in the ATM room last night?
Never thought I'd say this, but thank god for my blackouts.
Okay. We're coming naked. We need Saran wrap and plastic forks.
Can you tell me why Star Wars Burlesque is pulled up on my phone from last night?
tonight at the bar some people told me that I have a sprit following me around.. that's the kind of shit that you laugh off till you're home alone.
Well I may have gotten laid but I over drafted buying pizza so I think that negates everything
SCUSE ME I KNOW YOU DIDNT DO THAT MUCH COKE IN 10 MINUTES
Only great wives bring your dope to you when you are at the Cardiologist
Woke up next to a half eaten Philly Cheesesteak. Honestly probably one of the top 3 things I've ever woken up next to.
I just realized I haven't looked at our horoscopes lately. If mine says anything about tweakers, I'm burning my phone.
Oh shit oh shit oh shit.
BURN THE PHONE.
She's sent me the same nudes using the same gestures and positions... It's like she has a template for her sluty-ness
I accidentally made jungle juice last night.
Randomize
