the fundamentals of my vasectemy are strong
I thought I was at a rave until the paramedics started chasing me. You win again tequila.
I was working er so they smashed a vodka bottle over dan's head so they'd have an excuse to visit
just remembered that i started a tab for just myself at 50 cent beer night last night... i dont understand my life
he called you a drunk bob the builder and you proceeded to explain how you were going to build ramps throughout the house
The world isn't going to end because you slept with him!
... that would be easier though.
i want to be friends with one of those mini shredded wheat men.
Birthday are for suffering. TAke some tylenol pm and day-drink tomorrow
direct quote from andrew "you know i can't hear when i drink whiskey"
I told the guy that if he didn't put enough pepperoni to earn the name " pepperoni feast", that I was gonna sue him for all he had. Believe it or not, that's all I remember.
And when I feel bad about myself I go to the library and suck my pen over an open book, counting the seconds until a guy sits across from me and tries to get my attention
Last year I got a dildo in the mail on my birthday. Today it was just a credit card bill. Sadface.
The fact that you screamed, "Alf is my spirit animal!" is proof enough that we're too old for peyote.
I just had sex on my divorce papers. I've never felt so poetic.
I've officially slept through a hurricane, a tornado and had sex during an earthquake. I'm surviving.
Randomize
