i just shit an entire soup salad and breadsticks from the olive garden... bud light wins again.
Just so we both are on the same page, I have no solid plans as to where I'll be sleeping tonight.
I just threw up a christmastime peep. I am literally already sick of the holidays.
My cha cha got a haircut
thank god. going down on you was like chewing on astroturf
i just remembered the time you guys tried to give me an intervention because i was drunk before 5 on a monday
So, do you ever feel like EVERY SINGLE ONE OF YOUR FRIENDS IS INVOLVED IN A MASSIVE AND INTRICATE CONSPIRACY TO COCKBLOCK YOU AT ALL COSTS?
A kid in my class brought a George Foreman and cooked food mid lecture. When the prof found out, all the kid did was ask if he wanted some.
I met her tumbling down the stairs chugging Captain Morgan. I'm not sure why she has the better reputation either.
Just so you know my hand is still healing from where you drunkenly clawed me last Saturday
The ONLY reason I am doing laundry is because all my sweatpants are dirty.
Stripping out of my teacher clothes to Talk Dirty to Me. Who let me become a teacher?
We had sex while watching the republican debate. I'm not sure how he maintained an erection watching Donald Trump speak.
Pussy, Peanut Butter Cookies,and Bubble Wrap
My boss asked me to pass over one of my business cards and instead I had condoms fall out of my wallet, how’s your day going??
Only true party girls take their birth control with Smirnoff.
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