If I remember correctly, I may have been smoking a cigarette on the dance floor. This is the true sign of a douchebag in his native habitat...fmylife
he is naked. in. my. bed. happiest day. of my. LIFE.
I looked him in the face and asked if we could stop. he asked why. I said "I can't feel it.". ...I feel bad; I should have faked.
Just downloaded the entire Justin Bieber album sober.. I think you know how I'm doing.
For using a life jacket as a pillow, I slept pretty good last night...
apparently my insurance doesn't cover road head. Bummer.
I hit a bug from across the room with my flip flop boomerang style. That awesome.
There's a paramedic out here, what have you done?
Careful when you walk in I'm laying by the door.
I just spent the last 30 mins playing uplifting songs to my uterus, & there's no way I'm pregnant.
Hypothetically, if a stripper with braces bites you on the cleavage and it leaves an open wound, do you need a tetanus shot?
Just had a shirt made that says "I'm sorry" going to wear it every sat and sun morning for the foreseeable future
I just want to let you know how hung over I am today and I fucked a girl in a kangaroo costume last night.
BECAUSE THIS IS AMERICA AND DONUTS AND TITTIES AND ALCOHOL IS WHAT THIS COUNTRY WAS FOUNDED ON
I straight up told your dad I've slept with a majority of your family
Randomize
