I hate ducks.
What?
they're sketch. like squirrels. squirrels are sketch as fuck.
I really want to fuck my wifes sister.
the cashier wished me a happy fathers day while i bought condoms
When my girlfriend drinks sangria it's like winning the vagina lottery
Please fuck him. And then let me tell her. And then let me protect you from the knife she pulls from her Ed Hardy purse. Please.
Last thing I remember was wondering why there was a mirror on the wall behind the urinal and then realizing I was pissing in the sink.
You had me at "mimosas" several texts ago.
I was thinking about getting her an edible arrangement for an engagement gift. You want in?
I'm buying her a drink and not telling her to dump his ass. that's my gift.
And tell the hostess not to worry, she's narcoleptic and fell asleep on the way to the bar, but she'll be fine in a few minutes.
Well I sent him a pic of my vagina and sent back a pic of his puppy....so there's that
The best part of Easter was watching all his colorblind cousins try to find the eggs.
How much do souls cost? I feel like I need one if those.
She bit my shoulder during foreplay last night, and it's already infected. I think she has rabies.
Not sure if your roommate speaks German while sleeping, or if she woke up, figured out we were fucking, and used German to swear at us.
Sundays were made for eating Ramen pantless in bed.
Randomize
