my mom just informed me that i masturbate loudly
He offered me a 30 pack if I don't bring her to the party. Am I a bad friend If I take his offer?
He used the phrase "no problemo" in a sext. It's over.
She wants to fuck me. On a tennis court. In her tennis outfit. Is ring-shopping an acceptable 3rd date activity?
I did what any insensitive guy would do bought her friends shots and tried to fuck them
To be so small, the mini-horses are exceptionally aggressive. And fast. Very, very fast.
Abort! Abort! He almost bit off a finger!
Idk I somehow continue to get laid by pulling my dick out and reciting the 3 world country orphan kid commercials
Can't wait to hear which one of you won the 'fuck a bigger geek' contest last night. Queen Amidala vs Lara Croft. See you at breakfast.
He said bring my breathalyzer and Anna's pepper spray, I didn't ask questions
I. recorded a message of me yelling at myself to "get up out of that bed" and set it an alarm. REALLY loud
I was high last night eating a fudge bar and making eggs with toast and corned beef hash for a 2 am snack and my dad asked what I was and the only reply I could think of was "I'm an adult."
Goddamnit Shari. He's not called Pencil Dick because he's good a sketching...
guy at the bar just asked how many cows we have on our land, then proceeds to ask me out. you know your from the country when....
I share a birthday weekend with Easter this year, so that fucking sucks. I hate sharing...and I have to share with fucking Jesus this year.\n
I smell Vodka. It's me. If anyone asks it's totally hand sanitizer.
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