best googles of the semester: toe fucking, purpose of two nostrils, human tail. with pictures
went for icecream. accidentally deepthroated it. my mom gave me a dirty look, but the kid behind the counter looked impressed
Oh the joys of strong arming a man into exclusivity
I had to carry you down because your legs weren't moving anymore but you were carrying the weights you stole from that guys room... and that's where the bruises came from.
Not sure if he was actually hot or hot in a "he brought a live chicken to the party" kinda way but I got his # regardless
My mom just came into the kitchen and watched me take a double shot of whiskey and chase it with a beer and said "you are my son." Proudest family moment ever
If I give you a key to my place you have to promise to one day wake me up with a blowjob.
And by one day I mean once every two weeks.
Strangers are buying me shots and I got hit on by lesbians. How is it only tuesday
Maybe he injected his testicle?
I just matched with a taco on tinder. Dreams come true.
Currently having to re-watch episodes of Lost that I've only partially seen because you distracted me with your vagina
also. got fucked to usher last night. dunno if thats a new high or a new low
Was it at least a good usher song?
Relax
It's hard to relax when a woman is waxing your asshole.
I lost my wolf penis dildo in my garage. I should probably find it before I resume my garage sale tomorrow...
I just want to see you and express my feelings in a drunken manner, but in a sweet way like my english accent.
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