I felt like helen keller
But she could have totally found that shit before me
Well we ran into the cornfields when the cops got there. We'd been hiding in there for 45 mins when he asks me "So this wasn't exactly how I'd planned this but I thought I'd ask. How do you feel about oral sex?"
You named all of the cocktail shrimps and then tackled a guy for "eating Henry"
He bought me flowers. The card with it said: Sorry I cant get you off. I will try harder.
Girl your like that last load of laundry... I'll do you eventually just not tonight.
I don't think it counts as a walk of shame when it's someone you've wanted for 4 years. That's mission accomplished.
took off my bra and popcorn fell out of it. im gonna puke at this wedding...
In his defense he just bought a bong like a week ago so he's still in that honeymoon phase.
I watched you fall asleep, sitting up, eating a cinnamon roll. You proceeded to wake up...smile at your cinnamon roll, ask it how it got into your hand and then began eating it again. You asked me if you were ridiculous last night, define ridiculous.
When I was leaving this morning he gave me some candy off his floor to prove he was a nice guy... He definitely knows the way to my heart. Best one night stand ever
Sorry I drunkenly insulted your air mattress last night. You still could have fucked me on it though.
On Wednesday I'm putting wine in a water bottle and crashing Margaret thatchers funeral
I feel like I should throw some tampons around my workspace so everyone will know what's really going on
He called from a stranger phone to say. He was a t a liquior store and there was a long line they have no condoms. This is the guy i was gonna go on a date with
Atleast he is letting you know he will be late
If anyone remembers any details of tonight please address concerns to my lawyer. This is a mass text.
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