All I've ever wanted to do in life is right
Maybe you should learn how to spell write first
so they made cookies with their faces printed on them...I ate jaime...she tasted like poop
We have a drunken confused pantless man in our apt. Boots.
Just walked out of 7 11 still in uniform when 4 girls in bikinis in a convertable screamed "we fuck firefighters!"
Career choice validated
The heart of my unhappiness in my job is that it's not a place where coworkers and I can draw dicks on everything to amuse each other
Can you bring home bongs? Like all the bongs. I need bongs
Drive by water balloon fight on $500,000 boats ended when someone threw a dildo
Well you were hungry, by then you cried and called yourself a basic bitch for eating crackers
I have work in an hour and I'm having trouble with concepts such as 'staying upright' and 'staying conscious'. Tie me to your wrist next time we go out drinking,
Finals week game: One shot for every psychological trauma I've been through that I have to explain in detail. Man I hate my major sometimes.
I need two food groups: booze and turkey sandwiches
I keep picking up boring men who literally just want to cuddle. HOW AM I THIS BAD AT GETTING SEX?
I'm drinking on a Thursday because I can
Today is Wednesday you jobless drunk
I finally realized he drank way too much when he tried serenading me to the song "come my lady" while slowly and creepily making his way toward me...keeping constant eye contact.
Yes, the maid of honor did just deep throat the mic during the toast. How do I follow that?
Randomize
