I thought you should know that you passed out in your trash can last night.
Thanks for throwing up on me.
Dude I need help. What word is complimentary, but sounds like "chunky"?
Either call me back or tell me you're in jail. For fucks sake. If this is a cop, just help out. national league.
He says I tipped the waitress ten dollars because she "smelled like pigs in a blanket."
In mid-threesome, need more condoms. Wearing a sheet to the gas station. I'll keep you posted
it is a toga and you are a goddess.
You guys can't keep having sex with them and cleaning their house! They're never going to take you seriously!
In the middle of the State of the Union, she unzipped my pants and started giving me head. I've never been so proud to be an American.
I guess I fell on the bar and kept trying to get back in telling the bouncer that I left my teeth at the bar. Woke up this morning with chipped tooth
I wish I could remember her name, I mean we fucked and all, but it woulda been nice to tag her in the instagram pics.
Well sort of got busted by a cop while having sex outside, so your call
Observations from Vegas: #1. Strippers pasties pose a choking hazard. #2. Best. Heimlich. Ever.
Dreamt I had my own personal vibrator rep, who made house calls. I earned an upgrade to an electric model, since I was burning through batteries. That's it. Time for a bf.
it wasnt that bad
you tried to climb into my fireplace while screaming TO DIAGON ALLEY! we didnt even watch harry potter. it was bad
You would be successful and sober without me. you can't turn your bakon me now
Sustenance and doggy style.. the only two things I need
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