My dog ate my bag of weed. Thats not the easiest call to the vet to make.
dude i doubt hes gay
I CAUGHT HIM BEATING OFF TO MENS HEALTH!
I woke up to find her cooking breakfast wearing nothing but my Nuggets jersey. I don't think this could end better.
he called you a drunk bob the builder and you proceeded to explain how you were going to build ramps throughout the house
the fat guy in me is very excited, and the skinny guy in me is very excited for the fat guy in me
I spent the day drinking wine and meditating. I'm zen as fuck.
Emoji's do wonders when you actually have nothing at all to say..
Naked chocolate chip pancake making. I just spilled mix all over the place. My boobs are covered in flour. This is not going well.
You were literally hanging out the window and dancing to the remix to Ignition when we drove you home
pesky things like morals, self-preservation and cowardice are not needed. overkill is nothing but a word. there will be blood.
chasing tequila with frosting. best baby shower ever.
He's smoked my weed, stolen my cigarettes, and used my campus cash, but I try to initiate sex and NOWWW he's all "As your RA, that's a line I can't cross"
Don't care if they even pay me; I lifeguard for the fringe benefits -- free tourist vagina in the Hilton jacuzzi every single night
Look idk the rules and regulations of our freindship...but I need you to carry me to my car.
God yes pancakes and booze sounds like the best night ever.
Randomize
