i woke facing the corner with my computer and i had googled "how to put out a fire" i am so scared to turn around
Two girls I have never met just thumb wrestled to decide who gets to make out with me.
Call 911 I'm faking my own death so this fat chick leaves my room
Everything smells like beer. Everything. But I cant drag myself out of bed to take a shower. So beer it is.
I just called him "young grasshopper" in a conversation. THIS is why I don't get numbers when I'm sober
Turns out puking in your mask makes it even harder to see out of the mask..
On a scale of 1 to 3, with 1 being the smallest and 3 being the largest, what size nipple pasty do you think I am?
I swear 95% of pictures on my phone are from drunken nights I don't remember with me doing a peace sign alone in somebody's bedroom.
Props to the guy on crutches playing edward forty hands. Dedicated to drinking games is an understatement.
I am not working on the very first day I can throw up alcohol that I legally bought and drank.
I traded my pants for a Santa hat last night and it was so worth it.
i’m just listening to christina aguilera’s “your body” on repeat and trying not to pass out at my desk.
We had a quickie at work in the office. He walked out before me, and I fell asleep while waiting a few minutes to walk out. Yeah. He's got that change your life dick
maybe you should have closed the porn before you gave the professor your computer to hook up to the projector?
She won't let me meet her hot new boy toy just because she thinks it'll lead to us having a threesome. It's not fair. I thought we were friends...
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