The party tonight has no theme but I decided to go as a home wrecker.
I convinced her san diego was a state. all the proof I needed was saying, why do they call it san diego state university?
he said "cool" when i took off my bra and proceeded to stare wideeyed at them the ENTIRE time. it was like sleeping with the kid i showed my boobs to for the first time in 6th grade.
hey im home...im not sure how this mcdonalds got here but whatever im gonna eat it anyway.
no drinking for a week
if by week you mean tonight and by no you means yes
I don't know how we managed to stay up but we actually sat in front of her open refrigerator for god knows how long while she ate salami straight out of the package with her fingers and I laughed. It was a trainwreck.
I made a wizard staff out of Keystone light... I am therefore the smoothest wizard in all of our university's history.
Yeah, you gave me a condom that I 100% coulda used, then an hour later you basically beat the shit out of me and physically took it from my pocket.
my cat just photo bombed my nudie.. does this qualify me as a cat lady?
She made sure everyone knew we were doing shots for her dead grandma.
I'm really sorry I hooked up with your student on the dance floor..
I pay 3K a month for rent, yet last nite I broke into the back of my building, scaled over 2 tons of garbage in heels and took a dirty freight elevator to my floor just so my doorman wouldn't see how fucked up I was
U know ur prob on camera right?
Im blaming it on six shots of Jack, loneliness and a chemical imbalance. That's the best I can think of...
Its like people have to train for months before they try and drink with us and survive...
I'm sitting here drinking whisky and listening to The Wiggles, I don't need a social life
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