I seriously dont think i have ever ridden a horse sober.
Apparently I grabbed her ponytail and cut it with an exacto knife.
After three games of beer pong ending in victory by death cup, all four of us bonded in the fact that we all slept with the girl's boyfriend at some point in time in the past year. She had no idea.
The basket that the Naughty Easter bunny left for you at my house might keep us entertained for a little while...
Because at some point last night we decided that shotgunning beers from a paint stick was a good idea
Turns out he's old enough to be my dad. I'm so excited. I've never had a sugar daddy before. What should I ask for first!? Want anything?
I'm pretty sure the guy in front of me at Walmart doesn't have good plans. It's one am he is buying a flash light and black bandanna
But that background check said 51...Omg. If I hooked up with someone that's my dads age.....
I tried to take home a cat on broadway last night. I named him Pinocchio and put my purse down on the sidewalk and tried to put it inside it
Now that it's fall I have to prepare for the imminent arrival of ripped up sweatpants shoved into folded over sequined uggs
Today, my weed came in a pokéball. I officially love my dealer.
I mean like, I missed 30 minutes of star wars to fuck you on Christmas so you must be worth something
Now with the essential back story, I can empathize. Sorry about your beer and butthole.
Listen, I've got balls in my face can I call you back
you smell like vanilla and daddy issues
Randomize
