i'm telling everyone you had sex with a puerto rican drug lord
The idea of snorting emergen-c actually just crossed my mind.
But please don't judge me if i smell like mustard
got fuckng wasted at spring training, got a lap dance at le girls, got a burrito at filibertos, and still made it to my 5 o'clock eco class wearing a bikini top....I love Arizona State University
Did you know that scruff feels epic on boobs especially when they are covered in whip cream?
If drawing me a picture of his dick in draw something is flirting then he is doing it wrong.
Posting happy birthday to my grandpa on Facebook.... Then realizing my profile pic is me dressed as a slutty cop when he used to be a police officer.
Just to be clear, the only reason you're allowed to scream "COCKTAIL SERVANT" at bartenders is because you have nice tits
Can I borrow you for, like, thirty minutes so you can lay on one boob and rub the other until I fall asleep?
FACE TIME HER WHILE YOU GUYS BANG
I feel you. We can get adjoining rooms. It'll be like Disney world, but with drugs and ivs instead of roller coasters and Mickey Mouse.
Which is way cooler
Where'd you go last night?
Don't EVER let me photobomb a group of lesbians again. They made me their "straight mascot" and I ended up singing Donna summer tunes for beers at their apartment complex.
He was like low grade Riff Raff, but I hit it. Twice. His grill popped out the second time.
Not gonna lie: had to look up how to spell fellatio. Not sure I spelled it right even now. Looks like a Shakespearean character. ENTER FELLATIO, SOLILOQUIZING.
Do you think my laundromat will notice that the bloodstain on my sheets is in the shape of a face?
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