I'm pounding a vodka drink as we speak to make her interesting
so her cute freckles turned out to be blackheads
Its 6am. Um if my mom for some reasons asks, you stopped by my house around ten and had some wine with me. She is concerned I drank a whole bottle by myself. Woke me at 6am to interrogate..Thank god my pounding head thinks fast.
PS We had chips too. She is less concerned about the whereabouts of the chips but still a good lie always needs detail.
Sorry I never got back to you. I got high. I know it sounds like a commercial or something... but its true
they were having a wine tasting so i tasted every wine...then knocked over an entire display of gourmet olives and was asked to leave... but they still let me buy my 6 bottles of wine before escorting me out
i'm too drunk to leave my room. poked my head out like a turtle and everyone knew i wasn't sober. i like it better in my nonjudgmental turtle shell anyway.
Gosh I haven't been pantsless in front of anyone for a while. It's time for me to pick up my game. We need a party. I need some rum.
I can not say for certain that I did not blow someone in the bathroom at the bar at some point.
There is not enough soap in the world to make me feel clean after last night. Im gonna need jesus for this one
My philosophy is thug life and that means never having to say your sorry for stealing drinks off tables
Rule travel - in 2s or put an ankle monitor on me, and maybe a shock collar.
You guys I wore sweatpants to work today because I simply forgot to put on real pants and I had a weed brownie and a juice box for breakfast. I am not ready for parenting.
There's a guy masturbating in front of Sephora right now
Be careful, there is sex in the air.
You're my best friend, so I'm kinda scared to say this, but.....I kinda feel odd when I show up with you at your family events and I have banged or blown at least 3 people in the room
Randomize
