If she's not going to maintain the upkeep of her vag then I'm not going to pay the rent of being her boyfriend
Glitter + Penis = Best. Idea. Ever.
Her best guy friend really had a thing for her all along.... Now we're back together and he's gone Dawson's Creek with his away messages.
i opened her purse and found 4 bottles of vodka tampons and an unopened box of birth control...
I knew she could be a good mother by the way she craddled three 40oz's.
WHYAREWHITEGUYSSOBADINBED?! What the fuck went wrong, evolution?
I've decided I want to blow you wearing a santa hat.
Aren't rabbit ears more seasonally appropriate?
In this town being related to a brewing family or the owner of a sports team is like being royalty. It's like hooking up with the queen's nephew or something.
Ok. So let me get this straight. She treats her vagina like a clown car, yet judges me for just making out with the guy that bought all of us shots?
Yep, that just happened. My mom just gave me a big bag of drugs for my birthday. She even put them in a fancy bag with tissue paper.
Wednesday is good, I needed the head count for the orgy, caroling can happen with as few as 2 people. There will be a pinata.
For the caroling or the orgy?
I woke up at 5am on my couch, naked, with a cereal bowl of water next to me. Apprently, drunk me thought I was a kitten last night. Super impressed I slept next to the bowl all night and didn't spill a drop.
After we had sex he went to the kitchen, came back with a bag of funyuns and ate them buck ass naked in his bedroom doorway. Had no idea how to react to that one.
yeah, but I wanna be the girl that makes him realize he's 100% gay
On a scale of 1 to hungover I’m definitely throwing up at the office today.
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