sometimes i wish i was able to text my cat and tell him i miss him and that i'm thinking about him
So, right as I'm cumming, I pull out and go "PYEW PYEW" like Star Wars lasers. Best part is, I missed her completely.
You owe me a new pair of headphones. You plugged mine into the top of a mustard bottle.
I'm guessing "whatever I can get" wasn't the reply the nurse wanted when asking what med I need. Oh, and asked for a cartoon band-aid.
He's engaged. If the world's smallest penis can find true love than I can too.
On my way home I stopped at target and bought beer and galoshes. I am a planner.
all i know is that i listed him in my phone as 'vagina cookies.' that can only be a good thing.
BING! You are now free to move about my panties. He just left for work.
i repeatedly had to ask him if he was into this because he kept talking about random things while i jerked him off. i got annoyed and in order to annoy him back, i told him i wanted to watch him do it. he also talked about basketball WHILE cumming. NEVER AGAIN.
ok thanks goodnight
Also before you go to bed i just have to get it out there that i really like macklemore as a person
I was just trying to flirt with James Franco but she kept telling me to take shots out of Ron Burgundy's mouth
There is absolutely a 0% chance my hips will make it out of this twerking business fully functional
I think this Canadian beach volleyball player might be my soulmate. We could check each other's shoulders for melanoma.
I just don't know how to say "I want to have sex you with before you graduate" in a classy way
Just told my dad about my heroic mailbox showdown. He looked at me strange. I think he thinks I'm high.
You are high.
Randomize
