I'm at an open mic night and the next act is called 'the best creed cover band ever.' The guy i recently hooked up with is on bass.
Where'd you guys get the alcohol from?
Oh. Some homeless guy we picked up from I-70. He bought us $400 worth of alcohol in exchange for a shower.
...... wtf.
um, yes. it's my birthday, of course there will be acid.
Before I left he asked me if I could submit my panties for the frat house undergarment chandelier. I said yes
I know. You don't know poor life choice until your sitting on the floor of a community bathroom waiting to vomit at 4 am
She bit me. She gave me a brief pity cuddle. I gave her an awkward backrub, somehow I thought it would be a good idea to include the vagina in that. It wasn't.
Roommate is high and swore off off the diet. Said she wants to make everyone else fat since it'd be easier. She spent today baking 3 dozen brownies for the office tomorrow and is already down to 24.
20 bottles of wine, 3 cases or beer, and 5 bottles in my kitchen... My parents are teasing me.
Its the least I can do really, I mean, I did sleep with her husband...
Also can you rate on a scale of zero to jesus restraining order christ how creepy it is that he found a porn star that looks like me and has watched all the porn that she's been in
Blah blah blah. Just come home and put a baby in me.
Dont even get me started. you fell asleep in my kitchen after being cockblocked when you tried to use my roommates bedroom.
If he doesn't fuck you on the 4th of July, he doesn't really love this country.
Well, that's not my fault. I make decisions all the time when I'm drunk.
Is it sad to eat a candy bra by yourself?
Randomize
