My boobs are too big for things to be going this downhill in my life.
i take my contacts out every time we fuck so i cant see all the stretch marks
You do realize I got a panda tattooed on my ass just to get you laid, right?
At what point would you like us to save you from yourself?
Um...celebrating is an understatement. You flashed the guy at the mexican restaurant and then screamed, "It's just my bikini, I swear!"
The cop told you to put your hands behind your back and you slurred "I'm not falling for that again"
Make way for the handjob queen! She will grab what she wants, when she wants, and from whomever she wants.
I hooked up with a guy dressed as Justin Timberlake, while dressed as Britney Spears. Fuck Jessica Biel, all my 90's dreams are coming true.
Don't be too mad at the guy who broke your kitchen table. Didn't get his name, but he knew all about your gay porn career. Like DETAILS...
It was kicking off big time until you crawled out the bar on your hands and knees. Nobody wanted to mess with that.
I stirred my drink with a butcher knife. His roomate keeps giving me dirty looks
Like what do you want from me
I may or may not have definitely said the words "how do I put this beer in my purse without looking like an alcoholic" last night.
I just found your ripped underwear on my chandelier. Care to explain?
He didn't have much of a personality. But I had like 100 orgasms, so that's cool.
You know what would have been funny if we got arrested last night? The inventory search of the lock box:\n\nContents:\n1 work ID\n1 33 round Glock magazine\n1 set of keys\n1 vibrator\n2 bags fruit snacks\n1 parking hang tag
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