Honey, If i waited till marriage I wouldnt know what a dick tasted like.
Yeah, but thats the third time she's peed on me.
btw good call for not making out for a pitcher of vodka, this hangover is bad enough
she's sitting here naked with heels and a taco.
It was like getting head from an anaconda
My 16 year old coworker just told me I should take my job more seriously after she watched me puke in the backroom trash can. Fuck teenagers with morals.
Just hook me up with your dad already stop being selfish
I don't know how that blunt survived being in your pocket all night but you pulled it out at 4 am in 7/11 and tried to fire it up. Zero fucks given
i just realized... if i ever hook up with someone on my bed, we'll be fucking atop my animated batman themed bedset.
Alright if I email the police department asking for my mug shot do you think they will email it to me
He told me that he's proud of our abnormalcy as a couple. I think it's the most romantic thing he's ever said.
Just asphyxiate me and toss my corpse in the Ocean. It'll be easier than whatever the next four or eight years will bring.
So uh... Did you mail me business cards that describe my profession as "tortured soul"?
WHO CARES HE GIVES YOU TOE CURLING ORGASMS AND SAYS YOU HAVE KISSABLE SKIN AND RUNWAY MODEL HAIR....WHILE INTOXICATED WITH HIS BEST FRIEND. AND THEN HE SENDS YOU CUTE SELFIES OF THEM!!!!!!! WTF MORE DO YOU WANT FROM LIFE!!! DIE HAPPY ALREADY LADY!!!
We went to the midnight donut shop and you hopped the counter and told everyone to "Get the Fuck out of your Bar" but to also "Make yourselves at home".
Randomize
