It was like my butthole was peeing. Felt comforting yet not fulfilling.
Microwave minutes are longer than normal minutes.
you were passed out snoring, face down with all your clothes still on and 20 minutes later you sat up and said "FUCK YES" and then passed out again.
Nothing says "I'm a sorority girl" like puking at 830 in the am, wearing my anti-hazing pin, and getting ready for a tea party.
Apparantly 7 1/2 Vicodin is a 1/2 too many.
My mom is helping me re-arrange my room to make New Year's more hook-up friendly
Ohmy god im about to fuxk my TA. i thyought this was a dream but i love you. <3
We're the only two others left at work. My internal monologue is going: TAKE ME. TAKE ME NOWW. ON THE COUNTER. IN FRONT OF THE MANAGER. JUST TAKE MEEE
His dad asked what he was doing so he texted his FATHER a picture of me wearing his shirt in his bed.
He's gotta be able to drive a truck, make me mac n cheese and give me the best orgasms. That's my perfect man
How do I go about messaging a girl on a dating site whose little sister I've had a three some with...?
I asked if anyone's pants felt wet on the bottom, like a half hour after mine did. I had just peed my pants i had gotten so high no biggie
I'm about to turn myself in when I'm less hungover.
The oven caught fire. I put it out, but called the fire department just to make sure it was okay since the smoke wasn't going away
You just wanted to meet firemen
And then I was like pick your blow job song and he choose the sonic the hedgehog theme song. If he's not the one no one is.
Randomize
