dude. I'm so drunk.
pete, this is bryce's mom
I can't wait to have my cock in your ass
pete, this is still bryce's mom
thought so. i woke up and he was playing with my eyeliner. I MAKE GREAT CHOICES.
there's paper in my vomit.
you washed your face with toilet water last night.. i tried to stop you but you wouldn't have it.
We had a race to see who could chug their vodka tonic faster. College doesn't seem to be working for me... I'm getting exponentially dumber
he puked in his toast at dennys. after snoopdogg high fived him. couldn't be prouder to be his bro in law.
My grandpa just complimented my boobs. Im taking this as a compliment but also brushing it off as alcoholism on his part.
This is how we made chicken soup last night: Whole chicken in a pot of vodka with a box of crackers and some carrots. We should go pro.
No, not at all. Pulling a condom out of your vag at 2pm is NOTHING like finding $10 in your winter coat. Stop trying to make me feel better.
guess who's bored in chemistry researching how to sneak weed through airport security in her vagina?
Just tell your wife to stay in the car because you are self conscious about drinking infront of her. Now you have a DD AND we can still have a good time.
i am going to show so many millionaires my nipple
His dad asked what he was doing so he texted his FATHER a picture of me wearing his shirt in his bed.
but it was less of a make out and more of a goodnight kiss as a "thanks for giving our drunk asses a ride home and sorry we called your bar the worst bar in LA"
I may have broke the toilet masturbating. On a positive note the floor is really clean now.
Randomize
