Kirsten Dunst is sitting next to me in a bar in NYC
Tell her I want my money back for Elizabethtown.
Do u think I can claim pregnancy as an accident so my insurance covers it?
I keep telling girls I work at the carnival and then guessing their weights. I'm pretty sure I'm about to get kicked out.
....I feel like you are deciding whether or not I'm good enough for you based on what I ordered from Chipotle.
My brother didnt wanna sleep with her because she was my friend. Did I miss the memo where we're not supposed to be fucking each others friends? Oh well too late.
She sleeps with her hand around my balls. First I thought it was just a comfort thing. Now I think it's to make sure I can't slip away in the middle of the night.
I hate vagina strikes, but I must not stray from my path. My boyfriend will know the true meaning of blue balls.
True. So did you hook up with pasta or the ultimate warrior
Little bit of both
The only thing I had in my freezer before today was patron and cheese.
I think one of your friend's offered my friend chicken tenders back at his place...just FYI he should probably come up w/ another line
One public bathroom does not equal a wedding vow
Leave it to you to bring a trash can into a fist fight.
I woke up completely naked in a mint condition 71 chevelle in someones garage. What.
Theres just something about today that says lets get drunk, dont you think?
i solemnly vow to never stick my penis into crazy again
I give it a week.
Randomize
