Sometimes I wonder if we could be friends if we lived closer.
Time to put an end to this 'unprotected sex with crazy girls who have violent exes' trip I've been on so far this summer
Um don't talk to me about fat. I just used my chip bag to cover up all my candy wrappers in the garbage.
those are the first brownies ive had since i was 13 that didnt have weed in them.
And then I saw the naval officer and gave up that whole new leaf thing
And I just found out I called my debit card a fast food passport so I dont deserve to live
Def just threw up beer then brushed my teeth with some randos toothpaste now back to drinkin beer
Hamster emergency. Can u come in here
I mean I love some drunk compliments, but he just wasn't up to my low standards.
he's dressing as a chick for halloween. of course i'm gonna make him get his legs professionally waxed. how is this even a question?
Nothing. Its like my body doesn't know how to function on a Saturday when its not hungover and/or still drunk.
One of my interns found me on Grindr. I'm really gonna make him earn the absurd amount of money I pay him.
Just showed my drunk fiancé where I got circumcised, she's been crying for twenty minutes.
So is it your turn now to pretend like dating someone else would stop us from fucking?
Then he asked if he could pee on me and things really went downhill
Randomize
