i don't know what kind of porn he watches.. but that is NOT how you do it...
I'm so glad you managed to take a picture of your foreskin before you broke my camera.
I used a physics textbook to prop her up so she wouldn't choke on her vomit...see I have learned something from statics class.
What the hell did I do to get youtube to recommend a video for me called "how to increase your chances of getting pregnant"?
Hangover cure: shower, throw up again, sleep for 4 hours, eat salsa, brush teeth. Good to go.
But please don't judge me if i smell like mustard
Remember when I referred to my box of wine as my briefcase and made all of those stupid jokes about working overtime? Thanks for ignoring my cry for help.
I'm going out w/ her for her b-day in a bit. I just talked to one of her drunk friends on the phone who asked if I could "handle 7 lesbian." This could be interesting.
She got turned on by my fanny pack full of condoms. I can't believe you said it was a bad idea to wear it to the party.
I hate that you live in a gated community. I feel your guard judges me every time I go to your house at 3 am an leave at 5am
We lost a condom inside me, I had to fish it out. The next day he gave me a Gone Fishin' bumper sticker. True love at its finest.
Today is going to be the longest game of "was that a fart, or do I need to go wipe?" I have ever played. Maybe the most challenging too.
You just can't finish a sentence that starts with "I may have drunk peed in the bed" with "do you mind if I skip work and sleep here?" Anyways, yeah still drunk at work.
I put on a tiger onsie to initiate sex... It worked
We could have fun in a cardboard box. Think of the damage we could do at an amusement park!
Randomize
