Locked eyes w/ her at mainstreet, and said 'yeah yeah get it!' From there we started violently making out on the dancefloor (I had a FULL boner, ps) and then I got her number
Ooooh. That's not a mole. Uncomfortable.
Is it wrong to beat off to a girl to determine if you like her or not?
I just walked by a homeless man reading the money section of USA Today...
New plan, instead of sleeping with her, I'm just going to use her to sleep with the entire sorority.
Also, I had a dream I had a ray gun and woke up holding my dick.
I just found out my mom named me after her fake ID from college...
Btw...I puked in my hand last night and threw it on the floor. Don't let me do tequila ever again.
i can feel the knowledge leaking out of my brain
replace it with alcohol - nature abhors a vacuum
I'm so high I would give anything in the world to be inside my lava lamp right now
Sometimes I'm jealous of turtles because they can just go to their homes whenever they want by putting their heads in their bodies.
How high are you?
I found out Naomi Campbell and I have the same birthday and I feel like that explains so much
she genuinely believed that kangaroos are a cross between a deer and a T-rex
and than he said 'I did amateur porn for a while' and I just knew tinder did not fail me this time
She drunkenly dropped her ranch for her pizza. She tried to clean it up with her hands off the street then realized it didn't work and started licking her fingers.
Randomize
