oh and i feel obligated to inform you that there will be no sexin' because it's 'lady time' for me. so this ain't a booty call.
you know you're not getting laid when you start breaking awkward silences with quotes from Robot Chicken
I just wanted to say sorry for trying to jack off your dog last night.
There's a mirror laying face down next to me. A looooong full body mirror. By the looks of it it fell off the wall last night and was within centimeters of shattering on my head. Awesome.
HE THREATENED ME WITH A CACTUS. WHERE DID HE EVEN GET A CACTUS.
My phone autocorrected your name to "grownup." that couldn't be more inaccurate. I'm getting a new phone.
Hey, what did you end up doing with those ski goggles?
Anything is possible. I didn't even know I was wearing the toilet cover as a hat
I'm in the fetal position watching the little mermaid and trying not to die. When do you come home?
Things I Learned Tonight: I have no future in goat wrangling. Herding. Whatever you call the ridiculosity that just transpired.
You're 31, how do you still outdrink all these college kids?
Practice, Irish genes, and a lack of desire to live past 40. But mostly practice.
The poop emoji wasn't even in my recents. Does that mean I'm growing up?
What are we just gonna be those girls that get fucked in your parents basement and not get taken to dinner? I don't wanna be those girls.
he bought me ice cream then took me home and fucked the shit outta me. you can't write this kinda romance.
welp,tonight ive reached new levels. by new levels I mean,i showed some guys my boobs for water. on your tab.. the most pointless thing ive ever done. either we should hang out way more,or never again.
Also I've decided to start stealing shot glasses after I do the shots. You in?
Randomize
