It is pretty awful out and I still haven't put on pants yet.
I should have bought two bottles, she left before I could feel her tits...
I guess i tried to text 911 last night with "someone stole my bong." Thank god that doesn't work...
I wonder if Barack Obama has ever been this drunk.
Next thing I know we're all standing in the kitchen holding hands and thanking God for the beer.
Its 6:30 and I'm shotguning a busch ice while taking a shit. Outlook for work today: interesting
Just smoked out of an apple with Steve Jobs. I love Halloween.
just had sex on top of a camper looking at the stars, BEAT THAT.
I just set a reminder on my phone to get star spangled hammered this weekend.
I've spent all afternoon taking and editing selfies. The life of a bimbo is truly tiring.
May or may not have just put tequila in my special "kids+" orange juice fortified with vitamins a, b, c, d, e, and now t.
I am drinking fireball and apple juice out of a sippy cup like a fucking toddler.
He KNOWS ALL THE WORDS TO "JESUS IS MY FRIEND", I swear if he even tries to pull shit with me I'm becoming an actual nun.
Fun fact: You might be drunk if your vision is so blurry that you almost ask "do you know where my glasses are?" while you're wearing them.
Went to bed still wearing my bralette. When I was changing this morning, a Tootsie Roll fell out. I'm definitely living my best life.
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