Just got my rental car in Iowa...gas is under 2 dollars in des moines...this is not a real state
The KFC double down is way too much for a drunk. He was just staring at it in awe.
We made a late night liquor run, made margaritas and bloody marys and then retreated to opposite sides of the house to drink them. Alone.
You guys make me sad
You misspelled jealous there
Confidence margaritas not a good idea. Just said foreskin in my presentation instead of foresight.
I'd love to sympathize with you but I'm drunk in a mansion
took over 12 bombs tonight and we still aren't hooking up. Wait how am I functioning
He must have found my secret supply of blow and took a bump before we left the house. Rude.
He could of at least asked
I need a new best friend. Someone who drinks like a fish, hooks up enough to raise eyebrows, and isn't afraid to admit that masturbation is the second best way to spend time. Someone like me! Help me put up posters.
I have a gay crossdressing neighbor that's dresses up as a slutty pirate. 6 beers from now I would have hit on him. I hate halloween.
I partied with 2 slutty ninja turtles from Sweden last night, I Love Halloween.
She had like a side ponytail and hoop earrings though. And legwarmers. Like a horrible 80s nightmare. Don't drink and dream, dude.
Tripping over coffee tables hurts shins but face is okay bc I landed on a sofa.
I think I should've done my makeup before I took the acid. Because now I just feel silly looking at myself in the mirror
If you need me I'll be in the hospital involving super glue and fake eyelashes.
He's so drunk that he's ignoring me and just doing what my cat does.
Oh god he's trying to eat cat food... I don't know if I should stop him or continue laughing....
Oh no. He's definitely text-flirting with me. No straight man over 30 has any other excuse to use so many smiley faces...
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