she didnt even puke last nite, shes finally hit champion status. i think im in love
Sometimes I forget to take my socks off when I masturbate. This always makes me feel like I'm accidentally in a porn.
jacking off on stolen wireless... gotta enjoy the small things in life
I probably looked like a mental patient. I had my IV in one hand and cup of pee in the other, swaying around with a dazed grin on my face. I love vicodin.
151 hangover. Need apocalypse.
Agreed then we'll really be on our A game tomorrow. And by A I mean alcohol.
Is it bad that I'm a 32 year old woman that is so afraid of commitment that a hamster is too much responsibility?
I'm curious as to what my outfit choices drunk me made for this weekend.
I should have listened to my dad and mean girls... If you have sex you'll get pregnant and die.
I needed tweezers to get my thong out of my ass this morning.
I brought a travel sized bottle of baby powder and sprinkled it on all of the couples making out on the wall in the basement
He used the ring emoji and we've gone out four times. What is my life.
I nicknamed her "Jackhammer" for the way she gave me a handjob. My balls were in constant pain
you said, "I wonder what your mum is doing right now." in the middle of sex, of course I threw up on you.
MY DINNER LAST NIGHT CONSISTED OF SEMEN AND A PROTEIN SHAKE... MY TRAINER WOULD BE PROUD I DIDN'T HAVE CARBS!
Randomize
