Hey theres a creepy ass guy stalking our house.i would look alive geting in 2nite.
Cruel joke of nature. Hair on head runs from face, and hides on various parts of body. Aging sucks.
why is there a sandwich nailed to the wall
You drank almost the entire bottle of everclear and wanted to walk around. I guess your best friends sister is a cop and you wanted her to arrest you like the lil wayne song.... so sorry dude.
Dude, she introduced me to her best friend form Russia and she was a 10. Her other Russian friend was even hotter. How did communism fail?
I was greeting people at my door feeding them jello shots out of an ice cube tray with a spoon.
Dear Beer Goggles, it's time to see the eye doctor. With love, your biggest fan.
I'd like to bring you 40 virgins and treasure chests of gold to make you feel better
Wow. I feel like a bad friend. My fuckbuddy wished you a happy birthday before I did. The reality of that just hit me.
No...this little piggys going to the bar
This guy at the airport was telling me 3/4 dudes in his group got rufied at some strip club. One guy woke up in the hospital, another found himself in a random parking garage, the other got back to the room and they all shit their pants. Go Vegas.
Stay positive! You think people like sad vaginas? NO! You'll get some!
I just fixed my mom's tv over the phone in 2.17 minutes while high. I'm a fucking professional.
You grabbed my shirt and said, "hope you're not attached" and ripped it off before I could answer you.
Egg rolls and cum. Not my worst snack.
Randomize
