I can text with my tongue
i realized our last day of finals is on cinco de mayo....it's god's way of saying drink ridiculous amounts of tequila and wear sombreros
My night sucks. It's really hard to masturbate with a broken finger.
Supposedly i was taking multiple birth control pills while screaming dot judge me. Never going back
My dad and I just got asked if "we wanted a more intimate setting for our date". The world is coming to an end.
When we do our power hour over Skype I'm just going to sit on the toilet so that way I won't have to get up in the middle of it and miss any shots
Just thought i'd let you guys know that my dad was roofied at a lesbian bar last night...
Setting up an obstacle course with ladders, hurdles, and a spring board to the pool. you down for drunk races through it later?
You forgot the part where I played Slip and Slide with my own puke and fucked up my knee.
Still not over the fact that we prayed to Jesus to help us win beer pong
He used his penis as a drumstick on my back and had me guess what song he was playing.
When you sleep in the bathroom, you're no longer a guest.
How am i even supposed to meet his daughter? "Hi, Claire, I hear we have so much in common, like we both love your Dad and also we're almost the same age."
How can I prove that I give 401k advice and not handjobs?
When you called me I said did you make it home. You said yeah. Then you said you didn't know where you were. I said you were at home and you said but where. I said you are in the bathroom. Then you said oh, you're so smart lol
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