If immigrants and dwarves find love, why can't I?
You dont remember anything at all? So you dont remember the shop down my road with the 'TO LET' sign over it? You were adamant that the 'I' had fallen off and that it used to say TOILET...so you took a shit right there in the doorway.
May God have mercy on my new vibrator.
drunk old tina is grateful for 14 yr old tina for placing glow-in-the-dark stickers on my light switch...just avoided so many injuries
Just got complimented on my chugging... Car bombs show how good I am at swallowing, they should be my new pickup line.
I found his retainer in my ass crack. It smells like shame.
Haha jealous. If I could remember my dreams I'm pretty sure they would constantly be about being drunk in foreign countries
It's sitting in bleach right now. You will be the creepiest coolest dude in my book if you made a bracelet from my tooth.
Somehow my drug dealer is stuck in my air-vent and now everything smells like patchouli, weed, deoderant and sweat.
You were ¾ of the way through the first pitcher of margaritas then you turned to me and said "Wow I can barely taste the vodka!" And then…….
...Then...
Then I told you margaritas are made with tequila not vodka. You whipped the pitcher at the wall and ordered another one
I swear to go if the response she sends me something along the lines of who the fuck is Mark Hamill I might need to brake up with her.
Let's celebrate our country being screwed by screwing.
Either my apartment is haunted or I'm far more drunk than I thought
I had to explain to the doctor why I'm peeing blood. He still didn't believe a girl would have that much sex... You could feel the judgement forming in the room when I went into the details...
Damn, well a girls gotta get laid too
Is it weird I can only picture you in my heels naked?
Be proud; I'm a versatile boyfriend
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