she's leaving w me bro, I've been buying her mad shots. She's seen my apt. So locked down.
She kept biting his ear when he was talking to people, that was only 3 drinks in...
He broke into my apartment to check his Facebook again, the beer is all gone, and there's a new high score on pac man.
Remember don't think of it as being an alcoholic until something bad happens.
Think of it as Mythbusters for people who say you're going to get arrested or die
I was like can I please fuck your hips back into realignment
I have poison ivy on my dick
WHAT
There is a man playing a trumpet at this brunch and I hate life. Too hungover for this. Send help ASAP.
Dude. I've been high for so many hours now that I'm just accepting this as my new reality.
Someone somewhere has a picture of me vomiting in a bus stop trash can while a drag queen held my hair for me.
Pride claims another victim
Happy anniversary, did you sign and mail in the divorce papers yet?
I don't remember his name. I had whataburger on my mind and in my hands so I wasnt really listening
who knew magic tricks and sex would actually go together?
They offered me pot brownies in 7 minutes flat. Imagine my horror when I had to be like, are those gluten free?
So what your saying is you dont remember trying to hit a golf ball off my chest with a 9 iron?
It's done, I'm done, goodbye veneer of class and dignity it was nice knowing you
Randomize
