Dear man in the lobby please go play whith yourself elsewhere
i don't think my family understands the severity of a twenty first birthday.
hows that letter of apology to the waitress at waffle house coming?
It's hard to be above the influence when you are the influence.
I mean, I'm all about sharing, but when he tells me about his wet dreams about Oprah, I think it's taking it too far.
we couldn't find any funnels so we taped a spaghetti strainer to a pool noodle and it worked fairly well
This is irresponsible on your part, leaving me alone in a bar.
I don't think tequila will soothe the spots where my tonsils used to be.
I feel like I was dropped out of a helicopter. Through the propeller.
all i've had to eat today is leftover bday cake and a shot of tequila.
welcome to college.
starting to feel like a fuck wizard with a magical sixth sense for people fucking.
Nothing like a little chlamydia diagnosis to ring in the new year
I'm literally spending $165 to fly to Arizona to have a sex road trip coming back
Don't take a pillow from my bed. You don't know which ones of them my vagina has been on
Hey did you take a shower last night at like 4am?
"ummm...." (Thinking in my head) wet towel, soaking wet hair, clean pjs on backwards... "that would make more sense then what I thought happened..."
Randomize
