where are my pants?
you were passing out with two blankets and the person next to you was cold so you gave him your pants to keep warm
i woke up with a shattered plate next to my head.
I feel like wearing underwear would just be poor planning
You sprayed lysol all over me. You said that my soberness was infecting your night.
Just met me in 10 years...this lady keeps an emergency wine cooler in her bag
Not a chance. She stuck her hand under my kilt and she told the whole table I was indeed commando. She broke all the rules.
We were just at different life stages. He wanted to get married and have kids, I wanted to take MDMA and fuck my roommate.
So I'm at that stage in my life where I am stalking my stalker just to get laid
So when I eventually, if ever, find someone I'd like to marry, do you think having people fly to africa for a lion king themed wedding is too much?
My walk of shame was 2 miles of feathers flying off of me, underwear in hand, and a homeless man telling me he'd pray for me. It was gold medal worthy.
Strange request but for my birthday you should get me one of those vibrators that you can plug into your iPod that go along with the music.
Theres a point where you stop and say hey....as high as I am on LSD right now ...I`m just a man covered in paint
He obv doesn't know that telling a woman to chill will get him murdered
She is either doing really drawn out crunches or trying to sniff her boobs...She's lying on her back with her hand behind her head, forcing her head into the cleavage that's ok to expose and then moves her head back and then does it again.
First day of school is awesome. I get to meet my students and figure out which of their mothers I’ I’m going to bang
Randomize
