Yeah no shit. My mom is giving me winecoolers as we watch a show abt alcoholics
she was mega hot - except for the poop under her fingernails
Im watching hello kitty on qvc debating if its a good idea to cook bagel bites on my space heater
Right now, my father is sitting on the couch, totally smashed, crying, eating pringles, and watching the credits of Transformers 2. Love him.
Why did my little sister call me from your phone this morning?
Things like this can't be explained over text man
Jacob lost his virginity in a threesome. I am deffs fucking this kid.
DURING A THUNDERSTORM ON HIS BIRTHDAY.
PS: I just woke up from my shower
SOMEONE WITH THE TWITTER HANDLE "METHLAB" FAVORITED THAT PICTURE
someone stole all your weed so you told us you were planning each of our deaths
Apparently duct taping your dick to your buttcheks before the first time she goes down on you isn't as funny as projected. She cried because she thought I was a girl the whole time.
I just fell down my stairs, guess that's how my sunday is gonna go
See, this is why you don't do nice things for people. You'll get stuck in the snow and you won't catch a dick.
Omg i got really stoned and used a makeup app on my grandma...well, I’m definitely not adopted
I need you to get the emergency bail money out if the stuffed panda and go to the police station tot bail me out. I should be there in 20 minutes.
I’d clean the kitchen before making food. Mark “rang in the New Year” with some rando in there last night
Randomize
