last week i woke up at this guys house...this week i woke up at his ex girlfriends
Why didn't you tell me that Dad was a registered sex offender?
We were going to tell you eventually, how'd you find out?
Our school resource officer showed us how to use Family Watchdog and pulled up his picture.
Getting 10 cents back for every can is really just encouraging alcoholism.
You're the only true friend I have, if true friendship is based off who would be there for me at 4am during a boxed wine crisis.
Won't anyone wonder why I'm mute, bald, and wearing an eye patch?
They usually take it with their boobs. It's like a horizontal motorboat
Whenever you get off. By "pick me up from work" I mean, "pick me up from a bar by work at your earliest convenience" :)
There is a guy here calling himself the pants less weed fairy
She sent me a pic wearing only my batman cape. She stole my cape dude!
Turns out I tore my ACL when I fell off the mechanical bull.. Happy bday to me
I swear I get as excited about the sound of a condom wrapper as my cat gets when she's getting a can of food.
I just spontaneously learned how to embroider at three in the morning.
I also almost burned the house down in the process. Don't ask me how. It's a long story.
I can’t believe I made out with a flat earther and didn’t know about it until now!
Is she blowing you? I'm in the closet.
On a scale of having tea with Ghandi to the apocalypse how bad of an idea is it to drink with a 100 degree fever?
Randomize
