Free body shot off of Sarah. Expires never.
Drunk in a bar in Texas. The 24 y/o hottie I am chatting up just called me a male cougar. I am dealing with this whole turning 40 thing juuuust fine.
so when am I gonna get some from you?
when you dick grows 3 inches
there is cereal in my wallet where all the cash used to be.
if every girl in minneapolis isn't pregnant when i get back to the cities i will cry
after he came i started crying. just to fuck with his head.
I think I ordered pizza when I got home. The email said the delivery time was noon today. So if that shit shows up I am the most amazing drunk on the planet.
just convinced someone I was a virgin. I love when people don't know me.
I woke up to three texts telling me to "go fuck myself," a panicked voicemail from my mom, and a girl thanking me... I'm not sure which I should take care of first
I can't believe you broke a Paula dean wooden spoon over my ass
I don't deserve a penis
Since the world is still here you can go ahead and disregard those pictures I sent
Would it be playing god to put spaghetti on my pizza?
What did you two do last night and why did Sam send me a picture of your dick?
I just thought about how many drinks I had last night and threw up.
Randomize
