i'm as serious about my hair as jesse from full house.
that is uncle jesse to you, show some respect.
so apparently I plead the 5th to every question they asked me when they put me under the conscious sedation to set my broken wrist
I'm thinking he has to buy me dinner at least twice before i even start considering casting him for "Fuck buddy - understudy."
I can only send "I want your dick" texts to so many guys before I accidentally over-book myself. I need a day planner.
I just wanted to warn you I have strep throat incase I gave it to that guy we both hooked up with on New Years.
When Pony by ginuwine plays I pretty much just grind on the nearest penis.
I just sat in the bathtub with the shower running so I could eat the whole box of mega stuffed Oreos. What am I doing with my life
You lit a fire in my vagina no man can extinguish.
Not a or good or bad impression, just that you were all basically naked playing beer bong in sombreros and ties. Casual.
Apparently asking your girlfriends roommate for a hand job when u craw into the wrong bed after a bottle of rum is "bad form".
I would just like to point out that a bandaid led to sex. The lesson here is always have a bandaid in your wallet.
I'm about to order this penis-casting kit so text me within 5 mins if you're not down
I'm sure as hell not getting hoodwinked into going back to rehab again
I am going home. I have pee on my pants. Rachel is driving and I and drunk. It is not Rachels pee. It is my pee.
And I’m prepared, because I'm in it to win it (and by win I mean get railed hard)
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