A small cock is a small cock, don't blame the size of my hands
Dude apparently i ran into the middle of a half marathon last night and some how won
Hey just wanted to let you know my nose is broken and I have a fractured wrist. I told you it wasn't a slip and slide.
Dude I didn't think you'd do it. I mean come on, who puts a slip and slide on their driveway?
How do I tell my child he was conceived on a barstool in South Alabama?
He hasn't responded, but he probably just jizzed in his shorts again, so I'll give him time.
Sometimes I have to make sure these messages are going to you and I'm not about to give someone in my phone book a heart attack.
You shouldn't have to. I think you should bust into work like "pay homage to my magical vagina!"
Just an FYI i'm going to get drunk as shit while you are on duty and attempt to not fall into the bathtub again.
Rodger that.
i can trust myself, just not when im drunk. and drinking is my favorite pastime
I just had to go dumpster diving, at 3am, in the rain, because I realized that I somehow threw away the brand new package of birth control pills I picked up from the pharmacy this afternoon. So I'm sort of a responsible adult.
I had forgotten what new underwear feels like. It's as if angels descended from heaven for the sole purpose of supporting my junk.
PLEASE HELP ME THE AMERICANS ARE YELLING ABOUT TURKEY, I DON'T KNOW WHAT TO DO
I think I offered a man a blowjob for his power ranger suite last night...
You tried to pick a fight with a polka band saying that you'd wrap the accordion around their throats
You're having marijuana delivered to you. You're buying drugs and you aren't even leaving the house. I'm sure he'll be surprised if you're NOT wearing a bathrobe.
Randomize
