I want to snug with you.
You want my snuggie?
there was already a condom in her . . and it was bigger than me
i woke up to my roommate spraying cooking spray on my legs. fourth time this has happened. not cool.
Is it bad to go up to the security desk and ask them for the name of the guy I signed in last night? I have absolutley no clue
that beer fried lasagna last night was sooo good
that wasnt beer fried lasagna, you just poured beer on my lasagna
After all the hair products he's stolen from me, he better fucking be gay.
I hope my orgasm sounds aren't secretly that bad and no one tells me
How does this dude know what a dying walrus sounds like? That's the real question
Apparently all year they've been using me as a standard of drunkenness
I am incapable of maintaining a guy's interest in me. It's like erectile dysfunction but with feelings
Might I also add after my boss threw up in the garbage can and yelled puking rally, he dougied, then told me I wasn't about that life.
I think god invented us with two hands so we can grab an ass and spank it at the same time.
I am going to tweet NASA until they put me into space
Those rocketship riding assholes need the common man
It's ok, it's locked within patented Sealrite technology. That puke is staying fresh
I'm literally spending $165 to fly to Arizona to have a sex road trip coming back
I do have a history of lying to Customs. I once convinced them I was an astronaut.
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